Costa Rica – Day 46 and 47 – Yes, I’m still here…

And you?  When will you begin that long journey into yourself?  ~ Rumi

One of the guests asked me where my favorite place in Costa Rica has been.  I answered while pointing to my heart, “In here.”

I woke up to the sound of rain.  Feeling so good.  Lighter.  And except for the B52 bomber moth waking me up at 3am by repeatedly crashing into windows, I slept well.  No bad dreams.

I lead practice for Michelle from Florida, Mary from Toronto, and Kelly from Vancouver.  Mary said I inspired her to continue her practice.  I told her that it’s been inside of her all along.

Breakfast.  Mae is working, so she took care of me.  I will miss having this…coming here after yoga to a plate of amazing fruit, beans and rice made, and an occasional egg cooked to my liking.  It’s hitting home that this is my last week here.  It will be bittersweet.  I wonder where life will take me next.

I did a photo shoot of the Caribbean shrimp

Caribbean Shrimp

and continued to photograph my new friends

Ellie and Jodi

Quinoa salad with gorgonzola for lunch.  I still don’t like gorgonzola, no matter how many ways I try to eat it.  We take siesta each day from 2 – 3:30pm.  If Diego is working, there is always coffee, right at 3:30.  Today, Diego is working and so there is delicious Costa Rican coffee, brewed and ready to go.  I treat myself to a slice of chocolate cake from the night before to go with my coffee.  Decadent.

I lead meditation and Lorena and I do acro.  I love it when she is here.  Such a good heart.  We make plans to connect during my travels next week.  Her brother lives in Jaco and is out of town.  He has a surf board I can borrow and I can crash at his place.  He lives within walking distance to the ocean.

So much relief.  I want to travel but have such little funds to do so.  I would feel much more confident if I knew the language and could easily navigate the bus system.  I am enrolling in a beginning Spanish language course when I return home.  And guitar lessons.

Friday…I don’t even know where to begin.  Like the pull of the ocean waves, caught in the undertow of sadness, I am here again.  This place of pain and uncertainty.  I don’t feel brave or adventurous.  I feel done.  I just want to go home.  And not just any home, but to a home I do not have, to love in my life that does not exist, to a life I do not lead.  I wonder if it is too late for me?  Did I fuck up so badly that this is my karma?  I deserve this?  I seem to excel at mediocrity yet I keep striving for greatness.

I need to work smarter, not harder.  And maybe stop thinking so damned much.  Just be.  Flow, like water, Jodi.  And I’m proud of you for applying for a Ted Talk.  And for asking for help when you need it.  It’s hard for you, I know.  But stop pretending you can do this alone, ok?

This experience is similar to being a child again.  I am laughing at the realization because it’s so true!  I have two parents, Bob and Jill (owners).  They tell me what to do.  I do not know the language and communicate like a child, in hand gestures, and broken Spanish.  I have no car, so I have no ability to leave, I have no freedom to come and go when I please.  I eat the food that is put in front of me, whether I like it or not (gorgonzola).  I cry a lot and throw tantrums.

Where there is ruin, there is hope for treasure.  ~ Rumi.

Thanks, Rumi.  You always seem to know just what to say.  As always, I continue to hold out for treasure…flowing like water…